a naw:r fairy tale

Siri log 05 Jan 2072

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Implanted Subject

Name: Johnutz Lemon

Born: 12 Jun 2045

Height: 1.85m

Weight: 75kg

Occupation: detective, ex-mommie's boy

Generating Transcript…

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Transcript LOG:
07:00AM EST, Johnutzs apt.
Hey Johnutz, wake up.
It's time to wake up.


Wake up Johnutz!
It's a new day to solve mysteries.

5 more minutes mommy

I'm not your mommy.
I'm Siri, your implanted OS.

Siri, snooze...

07:05AM EST, Johnutzs apt.
♪[“Here comes the sun doodoodoodoo
Here comes the sun, and I say...”]♪


07:15AM EST, Johnutzs apt.
[Nuclear alert!]

okay okay, i'm getting up…
jeez, Siri, why beatles, again?

I happen to like The Beatles. It's rude to judge.

whose damn idea was to get you?
turn on the machine for caffeine shot!

Your mother's.
Also, I’m turning on the shower, Johnutz.
You should really wash.

Oh, my guardian AI. What would I be without you?

You would starve to death, or at least that's
what your mother believes.
♪["Your mother should know, your mother should know..."]♪

07:53AM EST, Johnutzs apt.

Where’s my news pad???

It's in the fridge. Next to the boeuf salad.

Huh? Why there?...
You made me put it there,
you cyber-tick!

Johnutz… Remember Page’s first rule of AI’s
♪”Under no circumstance will an AI take control of
it’s subjects body”♪

yeah yeah, too much iCERVESA, I get it…

You should drink less.
Ex-british scientists say that
drinking too much iBeer
might lead to DNA...

okay, more iWhiskey,then?

Your caffeine is ready.

Politeness opens doors.
She's really nice.
Why didn't you say
you were expecting someone?

Let’s see…
it’s already 5 january 2072???
oh my Musk, there’s a twitterstorm
about those damn cryptocoins
wtf causes these fluctuations?

Today's updates on your pad
rching web...🜸🜸
"what causes the flight freezes in bitcoins"
0 results…

this says you can buy a whole city with a couple of them…
I should have invested ...

08:17AM EST, Johnutzs apt.

Johnutz, someone’s here to see you.
About a job.
I let her in.

whaaa? Why would you do that?

She was nice to the DoorAI.
And to ElevatorAI.
And to me. I wasn't!!!!
who is she?

Ok, Johnutz.
I believe you.
*wink wink*
I'll leave you lovebirds alone.

Damn it, AI
pleaseeee, search her name

🜸🜸...Searching wiki...🜸🜸
… found 1 result …
Bae Popesc, model, time waster
Born: June 5, 2048 (age 24)
Height: 1.73 m
Weight: …

I don't want to know
her muskdamned weight!!
tell me an useful fact!

Spouse: Excalibris Popesco (2066-2071), deceased

huh,the katrillionaire...
she’s rich must be soooo rich $$$$
very veeery rich

Ok, be nice to the lady.
And see how you may be of assistance.


11:02AM EST, Johnutzs apt.

her main problem
is not that she lost her wallet in El Segundo
a wallet with a couple hundred cryptocoins?

Your heart rate is above normal.
Please, calm down.

yeah, calm down, sure.
how can I calm down
When she only wants her picture of Mr.Taco back?

Mr. Taco?
Should Google this?

It’s just her childhood pet.
and I’ve already searched the web for that wallet key.
I think we’ll have to go OUTSIDE...

but take your trench coat.

because I’m a detective?

because there’s a 70% chance of rain.

yeah yeah,
find my i.magnify glass!

… 1 result …
In your left pocket

yea, right.
thanks Siri
start i.magnify
search for clues

🜸🜸...Searching web...🜸🜸
Cambridge dictionary...

in the damn app.

🜸🜸...Searching web...🜸🜸
Ok, I found this for "knowing the gap”:


Sorry, I was just kidding. Ha Ha Ha.

yey. sense of humor in AI.
did a sitcom writer code you?

♪[‘It's a steady job,
But he wants to be a paperback writer,
Paperback writer...’]♪

she mentioned a trip to el Segundo recently.

🜸🜸...Locating on Moogle Gaps...🜸🜸
… 0 results …
Make sure your search is spelled correctly.
Try adding a city, state, or zip code.

Can it be in TokyoTown?
🜸🜸...Locating TokyoTown...🜸🜸
In 500 meters turn left…

01:42PM EST, TokyoTown.

You’ve arrived at your destination.

let’s see if we can find my old pal, Ilvis.
I bet he knows where El Segundo is

02:45PM EST, TokyoTown - FishStalls.

There he is.

Okay Siri,

translation module on, please

What does the fox say?

♪[‘I'd like to be under the sea

In an fox' garden in the shaaaade’



“Oc-oc-oc ch choo choo cla cla”


“I could eat some chocolate bunnies.”

And the other part?



He says he stopped receiving news from El Segundo last week and couldn’t re-establish contact.

So he found another supplier.

🜸🜸...Sending payment...🜸🜸

5 Crypto Bunnies™ for the coordinates.

What a rip-off!

… 33°55'06.2"N 118°24'51.6"W …

This seems to be in the former United Estates of America.


the former UEAaa...

Would you like me to establish a route to this coordinates?

Nah, connect with a R.UBER


🜸🜸...Requesting R.UBER...🜸🜸

03:23PM EST, ex-El Segundo.


Musk be damned.

Siri, you got the wrong coordinates?


The coordinates are correct

maybe that fox lied.

I don’t think so.

The historical “Google maps” gives the same coordinates.


🜸🜸...Coordinates Updating...🜸🜸

The town seems on a trajectory to

118°24'51.6"N 33°55'06.2"W, Pluto


Think of the fee the R.UBER will charge me!!

Seriously, Siri!

Isn’t the lady worth it?

I mean, paying.


what’s that in the sky?

♪[It’s a bird, it’s a plane...

I’m not falling for that again.]♪

you’d bet.

look at those holes in the ground.

it must be the size of a small country.

🜸🜸...Calculating size...🜸🜸

stop wasting time. what’s that in the sky?

🜸🜸...Calculating size...🜸🜸


🜸🜸...Calculating size...🜸🜸  


Do I have to restart you?


cmmon, siri

look at that sign: just leaving...

what does that mean, ‘just’???


I’m not that good with metaphors, Johnutz.

let’s get down there

♪[You may never ever come down
It took too long to get this high off the ground]♪

You mean “Up” there?


No, Siri, down, look at that negative city?

I’m a call it DIG city!

find safest way to get into that DIG City

04:12PM EST, DIG City.

El Segundo is getting away.

El what?

The city we were searching for?

They left iEarth.

They even took the basements.

Aren’t they aware the iCouncil decreed

“Property is theft”?

Especially trying to leave the planet with it...

Property, yes!

We have prime real estate material here!

And it’s mine to claim?

Your current coin funds can’t sustain such operations.

the wallet, the wallet!

we must find the wallet!

Or at least that picture.

Let’s scan this place

🜸🜸...Initiating Scan...🜸🜸

… 1 result …

The hole at 753 exGrand Avenue.

yes Siri, they surely left the numbers here

Well,they had to. Streets are super public property.

The constitution of the Higher Regions dictates it.


Mr.Taco here we come!

04:12PM EST, 753 Grand Ave. DIG CITY.

You have arrived at your destination.

so Mr.Taco’s a panda,

aaand no wallet...

The contract stipulates that you have to find the picture,

not necessarily the wallet.

I’m sure she’ll pay you

Also, it’s pretty expensive to move a whole country...


I wonder..

Should I google something?

No, just call Bae

She’ll be happy for Mr.Taco

Also, I have a proposal for Mrs.Popesco

A date?

What? No, Siri. It’s business.

How does DIGcity sound to you?

Quite catchy, if I may say so.

Initialing call:


Ending LOG.

Siri updated to $iri.

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